i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
