I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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