it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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