Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
