M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
