Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize