Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
