I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
