What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
