you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
