so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
