you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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