I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
