sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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