You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Man, jail baloney is awful.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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