The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
soo... how was my night?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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