I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
they need to just BURY HIM!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
