you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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