Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
