I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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