Umm I'm too high to move.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
