capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
