Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
