she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
