She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize