A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
