I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
