If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
