mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
