ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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