Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
