Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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