So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
