Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
