Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
