I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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