He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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