I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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