i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
