Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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