He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jรคger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip ๐๐๐
Your skills amaze me
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize