My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
