You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
and she was petting her beer can
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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