I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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