note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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