fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
