i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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