I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
