I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
