Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
