I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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