last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
