He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
