You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
3 2 1 whiskey
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
