I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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