Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
