life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
