I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
