bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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