There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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