I haven't been this sober since birth.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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