Umm I'm too high to move.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
