I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
