I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
