Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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