Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
