my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
