Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
