If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
